Here I sit trying to recount my feelings and thoughts from when it happened again in April. I had so many emotions running around in my head that I needed to take some time to think about it before writing it all out for the world to see. I’ve been wanting to get on here to share with you all again, but I really didn’t know where to begin. How do you tell everyone that it happened again? How do you talk about the third one? What happens from here? All these questions and more have been going through my mind. Sure, I mentioned on social media that it happened. I just wanted the word to get out a little, so less people ask about when we are going to have more kids. It’s a hard question to hear, but I want to be honest with people. I don’t want people to ever feel bad when they ask. I ask others the same question. It happens, because life happens.
Well, it’s a month later and I am sitting down again trying to find the words to say, so I will just get to it.
It was approaching the four month mark since our last miscarriage. I gave my body a couple months to recoup from the last miscarriage, but I was getting anxious and excited to have another baby. We found ourselves looking into ways to celebrate our 10th anniversary, which automatically led me down a path of endless plane ticket searching to see where we could afford to go. I wanted to do something really big just the two of us. I convinced myself and Brent that we could make Costa Rica work. After some research, we figured out that we could afford it with the use of our lovely companion fare ticket. We booked our tickets on a Friday night anxious for June to come. Saturday came and went and I found myself wide awake in the middle of the night wondering about the Zika virus and if it affected Costa Rica. I got my mind off of it. As soon as Brent and I woke up that Sunday morning in April, I started to ask him about it right away. He spent some time researching the Zika virus while I went and took a pregnancy test. I was PREGNANT. Excited for the thing I longed for yet feeling a guilty disappointed as Brent talked about the Zika virus. It was all of Costa Rica and we just couldn’t bring ourselves to go. Even if we hadn’t been pregnant, it would have delayed our process another 6 months after having gotten back. I just couldn’t think about the fact that I could potentially introduce that to my baby. I couldn’t go. We couldn’t go. I was frustrated. I was frustrated that we didn’t think about checking on it. I was frustrated that there we no warnings that popped up while researching Costa Rica. I was frustrated that we bought plane tickets, but it was past the cutoff time for a full refund. I was trying to be excited for the baby. I was, but these other emotions were taking over instead of the happiness of being pregnant.
We went about our day serving at church as it gave myself time to get over the trip knowing that Brent and I could do something else. I got over it quicker than this traveling lady would have normally. Because when I convince myself to go somewhere and know that we have the money too, it happens. I had to let it go. I had to and I did. That disappointment wore off and my excitement for this baby started to grow. I was barely 4 weeks along, but I called the doctor early that week to see what the plan would be since I had already had two miscarriages. They made an appointment for for 2 weeks away and I waited. I waited and woke up every day praying for the health of this 3rd baby. I thought to myself that three miscarriages is rare. There is a really good chance that I won’t be that statistic. After making it past week 5, which was when I had both of my others I started to get really excited. This was happening, I told myself. This baby is going to stay with me till the end. And that December due date couldn’t have seemed more fitting since it was the day that I had found out I was losing my last baby, baby #2.