Experiencing a Loss | Miscarriage Part 2

Being Prepared

Every month following the event I talked about in my last post, I couldn’t help but continue to wonder what had happened. Nonetheless, we kept trying and I kept waiting for the day that I discovered I was pregnant. I kept praying to God about everything that had happened and I kept moving forward.  In these months, I heard story after story from strangers that had miscarriages. Miscarriages were appearing in shows I watched and they were being talked about in a business podcast that I frequently listen to. I cried with these women while sitting on the floor in my living room or on the couch. I was heart broken for them and wondered again what my experience had been in the previous months. I couldn’t help but feel like God was preparing me for something. Something that I didn’t want to experience, especially a second time around. 

I was pregnant!

After five months of trying, I was three days late and knew again that I was pregnant. To know for sure, I took a pregnancy test. On that Tuesday morning, it was positive. I was happy, but still had a little something holding me back from jumping off the walls in excitement. Brent and I had a scheduled date night that evening and I was scheming up a way to let him know at dinner. Finally, I decided on just wrapping up the positive pregnancy test. I wrote him a little note on a card and tucked them both in my bag safely away from anyone’s eyes. I dropped the kiddo of with grandpa and grandma and waiting impatiently for Brent to get home.

We quickly hopped in the car and headed off to dinner. We ordered our lovely mozzarella sticks and pizza (ha!) then sat down. I had no idea when to have him open the gift. Our appetizer of warm gooey cheesy goodness arrived and we dug in. I couldn’t wait anymore, so I pulled out his “Christmas” gift. (We don’t typically do Christmas or birthday gifts because we’d rather travel and we don’t need to keep getting things. I’d live very minimal if I could). He of course was shocked and started reading the card as I started to video his reaction. At the end, I wrote something about being thankful for him taking care of getting my health insurance all worked out because maybe we will need it next year. He thought for a moment while he was unwrapping the gift. “Need that next year?”, he said. All the emotions started flowing. I was finally jumping off the walls excited as he knew what was coming. We were beyond excited and thrilled that it was finally happening again. The rest of the night we were bubbling with excitement as our faces were lit up all around town.

In a week’s time

We were going to have a little baby in less than 8 months. I was going to hold a newborn again. I was going to be a mommy all over again. We asked Elijah over and over again if he wanted a baby in the house. He usually said, “Yes!”, but also “No!” came out of his mouth several times. We would laugh knowing that he had no clue what we were actually talking about. In just a weeks time, I was planning out in my mind what life was going to be like with a second child. I started thinking about the preparations that needed to be done in the house, how we really needed to finish the upstairs remodel, where would the baby sleep for the first few months, how soon would we put the two kiddos in a room together, what would my days be like, and much more. It is amazing what a person can plan in just a weeks time.

When we found out we were pregnant with Elijah, I wanted a boy so bad. I didn’t want a girl. I didn’t want to have to deal with teaching her so many different things that come with being a girl. There are just more things in my mind that you have to teach a girl about her body and because of the way women can be treated in our society. It scared me into not wanting to bring a girl into this world. Brent and I also couldn’t agree on a girls name. We just weren’t seeing eye to eye. Well this time around, I was convinced I was pregnant with a girl and I was excited about it. I really thought that I was going to be holding a little girl in August. I was ready. God had changed my heart. Oh all the things that I would have to get for a little girl! I also started to really like the girl’s name that Brent had picked out previously. I didn’t even tell him, but I was prepared to give her that name. Easy. Done. I was ready.

.
.
.

Stay tuned for Part 3 since it is getting lengthy. Thanks all for listening to my story. Please share this with anyone that needs to hear. You are not alone. You have support. God is here for you and so am I. I truly believe that talking about this can be part of the healing process. Please message me or talk with someone now.

 

Jess Written by:

I am a Christ follower, wife to the most amazing guy, and a full time mommy which I wouldn't trade for the world. I am a lover of photography and a wannabe world traveler. Sometimes I find myself in the kitchen cooking up a new recipe. I love sharing my adventures old and new with anyone that will listen.